Battle Girl: The Living Dead in Tokyo Bay

	Rating: 2 out of 5 Original Title: Tokyo crisis wars Release Date: 1991 Director: Kazuo ‘Gaira’ Komizu Netflix Link IMDb Link

Meteor crashes, toxic clouds, zombies, battle girls… what could go wrong? Everything. I am all for cheese and Japan does some of the best cheese I’ve ever seen, especially the creative and gushing blood varieties, but this one goes beyond cheesy. This was a new release so I figured it was a new film. Once again, reading comprehension FAIL on my part. It was made in 1991, but it looks like it was made in 1981 with all the terrible special effects and new wave costumes. The only thing worse than a cheesy American 80′s movie is a cheesy Japanese 80′s movie. There wasn’t enough cheese to make it a good-bad movie; it just winds up being bad. Battle Girl isn’t really worth anyone’s time unless you want to see how terrible a movie can be in all quantifiable categories of terrible. Watch Hard Revenge, Milly instead.

Sex and Zen

	Rating: 2 out of 5 Original Title: Yu pu tuan zhi: Tou qing bao jian Chinese: 玉蒲團之偷情寶鑑 Release Date: 1991 Director: Michael Mak Netflix Link IMDb Link

Sex and Zen is supposedly a comedy, but I couldn’t find the funny no matter how hard I looked. I couldn’t get past the horrible acting. I watched this in Cantonese with subtitles, and even in the actors’ native tongue, they’re terrible. And the plot isn’t much better than the acting. It’s like the director wanted an excuse to have lots and lots of softcore sex scenes, and tried to add the funny on top of it, rather than having comedy be an intrinsic part of the film. It’s not that I didn’t “get” it. Oh, I got it, but I just didn’t find it all that funny. If you like really stupid comedies with tons of unusual soft sex scenes, you might like this better than I did.

Dialogues with Solzhenitsyn

	Rating: 2 out of 5 Original Title: Uzel Release Date: 1999 Director: Aleksandr Sokurov Netflix Link IMDb Link

If you’re interested in watching a documentary featuring multiple views of the back of the director’s head, voyeuristic segments where nothing happens and uncomfortably close closeups, this is the documentary for you. There is nearly as much commentary and face time with the director as the subject and Sokurov even goes so far as to interrupt Solzhenitsyn while he is speaking. Solzhenitsyn’s past is merely glossed over in an opening montage, focusing more on his time spent in Vermont and his return to Russia after exile. Even at its egregious three-hour run time, you would get a better and more thorough impression of the author and his experiences simply by reading one of his books. Recommended only if you are incredibly curious as to what Solzhenitsyn looks like while walking and/or talking.

A Tale of Sorrow

	Rating: 2 out of 5 Original Title: Hishu Monogatari Release Date: Director: Seijun Suzuki Netflix Link IMDb Link

Considering how many films Seijun Suzuki made in his career, it’s not surprising that there would be some abject failures along the way. Disappointing, but not surprising. This movie is about golf. Yes, golf. But it’s not even really about golf, it’s about golf spies and subterfuge, as if there is such a thing. It’s the story of taking a rising female golf star and turning her into a star so that they can make bank on merchandising contracts. Along the way, she gets lost. Boo hoo. It’s like a Japanese version of Rocky, only with golf and no redemption. Even Yoshio Harada (although he is the best part of the film) and Suzuki can’t save this one. It’s bloody awful.

Sky High

	Rating: 2 out of 5 Release Date: 2003 Director: Ryuhei Kitamura Netflix Link IMDb Link

It was truly a struggle to make it all the way through Sky High without fast-forwarding. Ryuhei Kitamura is usually spot on with his action sequences, but this one was lackluster at best, devastatingly boring at worst. Added to the amateurish fighting, you’ve also got a far-fetched plot made even more unbelievable by the lack of commitment on the part of its principal actors. If these people are responsible for saving the world, we’re all in trouble. There’s really nothing much to like about it at all and, very soon, I will have completely forgotten I ever saw it. Sky High gets my positively mediocre rating of 2 stars. I recommend watching Aragami, Azumi or Versus instead.

The Bushido Blade

	Rating: 2 out of 5 Release Date: 1981 Director: Tsugunobu Kotani Netflix Link IMDb Link

Let me preface this by saying that the only reason to watch this film is for Sonny Chiba and Toshiro Mifune. And I do mean ONLY. As far as I know, there are no other films that have an American perspective on Commodore Perry’s black ship expeditions to Japan and the interaction therein. So, I thought maybe, just maybe, this might be an interesting watch. Not only is it historically inaccurate, but it turns out that the premise is merely backdrop for this made-for-television-esque melodrama surrounding the retrieval of a missing sword. Mifune’s part is very small and Chiba, as usual, upstages everyone with some alright sword fighting sequences even though swordplay is not his strong suit. The rest of the movie follows arrogant Americans seducing natives and acting a fool. I’d have a hard time recommending this to anyone since it was a struggle to make it all the way through.

Repo! The Genetic Opera

	Rating: 2 out of 5 Release Date: 2008 Director: Darren Lynn Bousman Netflix Link IMDb Link

Twisted Pictures should pack up the script, sets, costumes and, hell, even Sarah Brightman, and ship it off to Asia. Then, maybe, just maybe, they could take it and turn it into something I might enjoy watching. Nobody can make a wacky movie like this better than the Japanese. Had they infused a little bit of humor here and there, cut back on the singing by about 70% and not taken themselves so damn seriously, this might have been worth watching. As it is, Repo! is trying so hard that it fails on all counts. So, my rating is as follows; +1 star for Sarah Brightman, +1 for Alexa Vega, +1 for story, +1 for sets and +1 for visuals. -1 star for the rest of the cast, a separate -1 for putting that overworked hack, Paris Hilton, on film, and -1 for pretty much singing the entire film. Even The Rocky Horror Picture Show has lines of dialogue scattered throughout. Repo!, you disappoint me.

Hancock

	Rating: 2 out of 5 Release Date: 2008 Director: Peter Berg Netflix Link IMDb Link

Is there a single Will Smith movie in existence that doesn’t have gaping plot holes? If there is, I haven’t seen it. Granted, if at all possible, I try to avoid his movies altogether, so what I have seen is limited. Hancock has surpassed Independence Day in my book for most glaring plot inconsistencies. I didn’t think that was possible. Did the writers just not think things through at all before they went willy-nilly adding completely nonsensical plot points? Or did they just think nobody would notice? Well, I noticed. I won’t go into what’s wrong with this movie for the sake of spoilers and the fact that it would take up far too much room, but never again will I bash my head against the wall that is Will Smith movies. Lesson learned.

Synesthesia

	Rating: 2 out of 5 Original Title: Gimî hebun Release Date: 2005 Director: Toru Matsurra Netflix Link IMDb Link

Let’s see. Where to begin? This film acts as if Synesthesia is a disease. It is not. Synesthesia is not a disease, a virus, a disorder or a syndrome. It’s more akin to a neurological phenomenon and up to 1 in 23 people in the world experience it. It is no more harmful or uncommon than being color-blind. For those of you unfamiliar with Synesthesia, it’s when two of your senses (smell, touch, sight, sound and taste) work in collusion to form a new sensory outlook. For instance, tasting words or seeing music. But being familiar with Synesthesia may actually do more harm than good when it comes to understanding this movie. They might as well have come up with an entirely new or different neurological condition for the movie since Synesthesia is not really what they ended up with. Whoever researched this film should be fired. If you’re curious about Synesthesia, I would recommend any number of other sources of information just a click away as this film really isn’t worth your time.

Pterodactyl

	Rating: 2 out of 5 Release Date: 2005 Director: Mark L. Lester Netflix Link IMDb Link

Out of respect for my extinct brothers and sisters, when this steaming pile of cinema found its way into my cable lineup, I felt compelled to watch. Or rather, to have it on in the background as it is too painful to watch. As usual, humanity shows its ignorance, intolerance and superior fire-power in the face of the unknown. All my ptero brethren wanted was a tasty meal of human flesh. Instead, they get hunted by some of the worst actors in film history. And, once again, the extinct flying reptile is on the losing side of history. This narrow-minded, anti-pterosaur bigotry will not be tolerated. Why can’t we all just get along?