Stuck

	Rating: 3 out of 5 Release Date: 2007 Director: Stuart Gordon Netflix Link IMDb Link

Watching Stuck is very much like craning your neck to look at the shattered glass and mangled husks of vehicles in a traffic accident as you drive by; you don’t really want to look, but something compels you to do so. That same rubber-necking instinct is what made me watch this mess of a film. What saves it is the fact that it’s based on a true story. I remember reading about it when it happened. However, the real-life story is far more gruesome than this horrific adaptation for there was no Hollywood ending. The acting is fair to terrible, even by the normally tolerable Mena Suvari and Stephen Rea, and other than the obvious, there is not much action. Really, the only thing that Stuck has going for it is the ability to make you feel terribly wrong for watching it.

Hancock

	Rating: 2 out of 5 Release Date: 2008 Director: Peter Berg Netflix Link IMDb Link

Is there a single Will Smith movie in existence that doesn’t have gaping plot holes? If there is, I haven’t seen it. Granted, if at all possible, I try to avoid his movies altogether, so what I have seen is limited. Hancock has surpassed Independence Day in my book for most glaring plot inconsistencies. I didn’t think that was possible. Did the writers just not think things through at all before they went willy-nilly adding completely nonsensical plot points? Or did they just think nobody would notice? Well, I noticed. I won’t go into what’s wrong with this movie for the sake of spoilers and the fact that it would take up far too much room, but never again will I bash my head against the wall that is Will Smith movies. Lesson learned.

Breach

	Rating: 3 out of 5 Release Date: 2009 Director: Billy Ray Netflix Link IMDb Link

Besides the treachery of destroying countless lives over the course of 20 plus years, besides the sheer egotism and arrogance of needing to feel important, besides the hypocritical perversion in the face of his religion, Chris Cooper’s character shows a willful disregard for separation of church and state. Hanssen was a government agent after all. As a representative of the government, you cannot force subordinates to pray as part of their job or show favoritism towards those of the same faith. Compared with all the other dastardly acts perpetrated by Hanssen, it seems like a minor complaint but, I thought I’d add my two cents. As far as the film itself, it’s a fair to middling Hollywood distraction. Better than most anyway.

Eastern Promises

	Rating: 4 out of 5 Release Date: 2007 Director: David Cronenberg Netflix Link IMDb Link

Eastern Promises was a lot better than I figured it would be. I’m not a huge David Cronenberg fan but I love Viggo Mortensen and Russian Mafia movies so I gave it a chance. It is a solid, gangster drama. In true Cronenberg fashion, he creates a little universe all to himself. I very much appreciate the fact that he didn’t throw a useless love story in here. At least, not really. Eastern Promises is fairy graphic with full-frontal Viggo in an amazingly cool and violent scene in a bath house. Perhaps I’ve seen too many foreign movies, but I didn’t think it was unnecessarily violent or explicit. The Russian dialog and accents are well done (granted, I’m not Russian so I wouldn’t necessarily know the difference), and there are great performances from Mortensen and Armin Mueller-Stahl.

Brokeback Mountain

	Rating: 2 out of 5 Release Date: 2005 Director: Ang Lee Netflix Link IMDb Link

Being neither homophobic nor ignorant, I thought I’d give the big, gay Hollywood movie a whirl. I should have known better. Slow, boring, completely uninteresting, even the man on man “love” scenes were tedious and unbelievable. In the end, not only was I indifferent as to whether or not they got together, I was hoping for some sort of tragic tractor accident where both of them would go out Romeo and Juliet style. At least that way, SOMETHING would have happened in this movie.

The Departed

	Rating: 2 out of 5 Remake of: Infernal Affairs Release Date: 2006 Director: Marin Scorsese Netflix Link IMDb Link

This movie would have been good had I not seen it already. I didn’t realize that The Departed was a remake of the Chinese movie Infernal Affairs until I started watching it. Once I figured out how I already knew the plot before it happened, this movie just annoyed me. The only things added to the story are 50 unnecessary minutes and Jack Nicholson. For a faster and better version, watch the original. While the performances are actually pretty good, this remake just proves once again that creative thought in Hollywood is dead.

The Lake House

	Rating: 1 out of 5 Remake of: Siworae (Il Mare) Release Date: 2006 Director: Alejandro Agresti Netflix Link IMDb Link

Not only is the premise preposterous, but it’s not even original. For some reason, Hollywood threw lots of dollars at this retarded remake. A monkey with a hand-held camera could have made a more engaging movie. And, to top it off, it stars Keanu Reeves. His only decent films are the ones where he is supposed to be clueless rather than the rest when that just happens naturally. I’m beginning to think that Hollywood is perpetuating a sick joke to see just how stupid they can make a movie and still have people watch it. I wonder what the South Koreans thought when we hurled this ridiculous version of their movie back at them.

Magnolia

	Rating: 5 out of 5 Release Date: 1999 Director: Paul Thomas Anderson Netflix Link IMDb Link

Usually, when people say they hate a movie that I love, I ask them why and try to defend it. But, with Magnolia, I can understand when people tell me they don’t like it. Some of the scenes are so bizarre that it’s a wonder I like it myself. But, for whatever reason, Magnolia is one of my top 10 favorite contemporary American movies. It it one of the few movies I’ve seen where I actually like Tom Cruise’s performance. There are no stars in this movie. The cast is one of the best modern ensembles ever put together. Magnolia consists of many interwoven stories which all tenuously come together in the end. Each of the story lines could stand alone but, together, they create a universe of rich emotion and fascinating characters that few movies have achieved.

Lost In Translation

	Rating: 3 out of 5 Release Date: 2003 Director: Sofia Coppola Netflix Link IMDb Link

I hated Lost In Translation the first time I saw it because it made me feel uncomfortable. A friend of mine forced me to watch it again and I finally realized that that awkwardness is entirely the point. It’s still not a movie that I want to watch over and over again but, any movie that can make me feel something, even discomfort, has done its job. If you dislike this movie the first time around, you may want to watch it again.

Cinderella Man

	Rating: 2 out of 5 Release Date: 2005 Director: Ron Howard Netflix Link IMDb Link

I had a hard time deciding whether I was going to watch this or not. While I love Russell Crowe, I’m not a big fan of Ron “Richie Cunningham” Howard and I absolutely can’t stand Renee Whatserface. Just seeing her on the big screen is enough to make me want to punch puppies. In the end, love won out. But love stinks and so does this movie. It is a manipulating and contrived tearjerker. If you want a depression-era, overcome the odds type of movie, watch Seabiscuit. Or, in the pugilist vein, you can’t go wrong with Rocky.